|
Hydee Ho Neighbors!!!
I realize it's been a loonngg time coming, but the summer has
been busy and boring to tell you the truth. I finally received
some news from a loyal reader and now can pass it on...
On the Home Front
:
no news is good news...
Funnies
By Doug Sartori
Things to do at WalMart while the spouse is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we
have a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpeted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "WHY won't
you people leave me ALONE?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you
pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME!
PICK ME!!!!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".
14. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud "HEY, WE'RE OUT OF TOILET
PAPER IN HERE!"
The best things about both sexes:
WOMEN:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry
hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They
cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the
phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a long drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home mums,
biker babes, and your neighbours. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They walk
and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for
getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal,
and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to
use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when
they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes,
apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how
much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give
compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to
people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
Down on the Farm
by Karen
Yesterday, our dog, Dodger, took up hunting. As you probably recall he is a
VERY large lab/rottweiller cross (purebred on both sides but except for the
Rotti colors and docked tail their is very little resemblance to either breed
as he has quite a rough coat and is about 8 inches taller than the standard
for either breed). Well he generally does a very good job at keeping predators
at bay as twice daily he walks the entire circumference of our property marking
HIS territory! While making his 'rounds' yesterday, he came across a couple
interesting characters, who refused to run upon their encounter. Couldn't be
the neighbours cats because they always run. We watched from the front porch
as he quietly nosed around the culvert at the end of our driveway. It wasn't
long before the wind picked up just enough for us to catch the scent of his
new found friends...in unison we all screamed "SKUNK!!!!". We immediately called
Dodger home (he was reluctant but he came)...those basic obedience classes just
paid for themselves! As it turned out there was two skunks (as the kids discovered
going in for a closer look...they clearly failed basic obedience!). Fortunately
for the dog (and for us) he was sprayed only very little ...probably just caught
a little from the breeze as bathing this 120 lb. beast in tomato juice would
have required a muzzle, complete raingear and the strength of 10 men! On the
downside...he didn't get it bad enough to be afraid of 'Ol' Peppie LePew'!
Quote of the Day
I've learnt that you can't make someone love you, all you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in .. "
|
Faces in the News
Laura Ready for her Grad
Joke of the Week
by Lou-Ann
DIARY OF A VIAGARA HOUSEWIFE
Day 1: Just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and
he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something that
I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks that I haven't noticed?
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a column
in Dear Abby and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than
his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!!!!
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. It is difficult to write while he's ... donning
thattt!
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him, but I have to admit it's very nice. I don't think
I've ever been so happy!!
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the
lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a
bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write, he may catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. To make
matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am
I going to do? I feel tacky all over.....
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death! It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits
hurt. He's a complete PIG!
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even
washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ....
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed
with a Scud Missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that 'Oops, sorry'
thing again, I'll kill the bastard!
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him more horny. Help
me!!!!!
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our
friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck
himself and he did.
Day 16:
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes! I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on
Prozac.
Day 17: Switched pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Gosh!!!
Here he comes again.
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod sits there in front of the telly all day
with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for
him.
WHAT ABSOLUTE BLISS !!!!
|
